Lovely Selina
by Glimare
Summary: Series of one shots and drabbles without any continuity. Selina has very interesting relationships with many, many men. Some of them don't really count as relationships in her mind, just mild aquaintences. My submissions to the Bludhaven Tournament.
1. Setup

**Disclaimer: **I don't own batman or anyone in DC comics. If I did, you can bet I'd take everything in another direction. So walk away lawyerman! I ain't makin' money on this.

Anywho, been a while since I posted something completely new. Been writing these Selina "romantic" shorts for a group tournament lately so I felt like sharing. You're gonna get a lot of pairings, some you've never heard of. Mostly comical (hey, this is me) and sometimes Selina doesn't make an appearance, but it all revolves around her. not a part of any continuity so don't link to anything else. Timeline's all screwy too so just enjoy the shorts as they are. will mark as complete when the tournament ends. Enjoy!

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**Set up**

"Father, you are going out tonight."

Bruce looked over to his son, wondering what he was talking about. "Naturally..."

"I recommend a combination of primrose, gardenias, Chinese aster, jasmine, and red carnations for the bouquet."

Again he wondered about the boy. "Why would I bring a bouquet on patrol?"

Damian gave his father a withering look. "You are not going on patrol. Grayson is. You are meeting Kyle at the Cultural Museum for dinner at seven, taking her to the premier of RED 2 at eight fifteen, then taking her for a walk at the reserve at midnight. You are not allowed home until two am at the earliest. Any attempt to escape this will result in very uncomfortable undergarments for at least a week."

With a snap, the little assassin turned back through the doorway and out of sight. "I will place the order for the flowers at Wilson for you to pick up on your way there."

A bit in shock, Bruce looked over to Alfred cleaning up not too far away. "Since when do my sons set me up on dates?"

"Since Harvey Bullock started vying for Ms. Kyle's affections." The butler gave him a knowing look. "And she started humoring him. They do hate to see you lose out to people."

Instantly the man's body felt cold. Bullock... He shook his head as ideas flew through his head. "Better head off Damian's order. She'll prefer a single rose to all of that."

"Very good sir.


	2. Making Plans

When I said relationships and acquaintances on her end, this is what I was talking about. ^^; They're some pretty interesting challenges coming.

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**Making Plans**

Lex Luthor was not getting any younger. His empire was growing, his power gradually increasing (despite all the setbacks by one annoying alien), and his genius expanding. But one thing he could not beat was the clock. Unless he found a way to become immortal, he was doomed to die within the next fifty years. Yes that was a decent amount of time, but it would one day end.

He needed an heir. A willing heir with the perfect genetics to provide it with the mind and abilities to continue his work. And for that he needed a woman equal to him in many ways who could provide him with one.

Looking over the list of females he knew, he quickly knocked off the majority of them. Workers, servants, those only with looks and no talents, and completely unwilling participants. He needed one completely his own and could be his wife. This had to be public, in order for the man of steel to lose face. That comment he made years ago still stung.

Lois Lane would have been his first choice, but she was married to that farmboy reporter. Not to mention she spurned him very nicely when they were together. And yet Superman still protected her. The heartless witch.

Talia Head also would have been a good choice, but her loyalties to her father, and her wanting to be in charge if they were together, made her a problem. She also betrayed him before. It was only her father's power that kept him from killing her.

Jezebel Jet would have done nicely too, but she had gone missing after breaking up with Wayne. How did that man catch all the finest women?

Shaking his head, his eyes landed on one name he hadn't considered before. Physically appealing, self-satisfying, clever, and the right amount of danger to make it enjoyable. She had a mind of her own, but could be swayed by money and power. Yes, Wayne had staked his claim on her before, at least once every year, but she never stayed with him. He was the one attracted to her, not she to him. The one that got away.

Slowly a smile creeped on his face. It would take some doing, but winning Selina Kyle as a wife would be one of his greatest accomplishments of all time. Plus there was the added bonus of having Batman's favorite distraction in the palm of his hands. Satisfied with the choice, Lex picked up his phone and dialed a number that very well may change his life. Maybe even the world's future.


	3. Tickets

heh heh... Jason's turn! but it's not really romantic...

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**Tickets**

Jason swirled around his beer can, pouting at his misfortune. He had such wonderful plans and now they were foiled before they could even start. All because someone got there first.

"Nickel for your thoughts?"

The young man turned to the side on his balcony, spotting a kitty outside her costume. He must really be drunk because he didn't see her or hear her earlier. Selina looked like she was going shopping, classy yet practical, but it was a little late to start shopping... wasn't it? "I thought it was a penny."

"Don't you think your thoughts are worth more than pennies?" Her coy smirk reminded him of all the times he caught her and Bats flirting as a kid. Why was she looking at him like that? At least she was hot and wanted to talk.

He gave her a smirk back, amused. "That they are, but I don't know if I'll pay."

"Hey, I was offering."

"Not taking?"

"There are other ways to get what I want." Selina slipped off the railing and onto the balcony proper, gliding over to the extra beers near him. She popped open a can and took a sip, showing she was definitely willing to stick around and listen. "But it looks like you're not getting anything you want. What's going on?"

Looking away, he murmured what was keeping him down. "A girl I like just got a boyfriend."

"Ouch."

"And she's not the kind of person you can just steal away. Her new boytoy's not easy to take down either. They're practically made for each other."

The cat lady raised an eyebrow at him. "Dare I ask who you're talking about?"

He gave her a long look. "I don't think you want to."

"Fair enough." They both took swigs from their cans in silence before she asked anymore. "Did you make a move for her at all?"

"Kinda?" He'd been sending signals to her for a while, but never said anything directly. "I was gonna ask her out for a play, got tickets even, but then..." Jason's head drooped to his hands, depression hitting him all over again as he recalled how he found out about the two. "Didn't want to make her upset so I just smiled and left."

"Ouch." Selina sighed for him and took another sip. "Sometimes being the good guy isn't worth it."

"No kidding." He chuckled bitterly. "I was working so hard to be the good guy for her too."

"Hm." She looked him over for a minute in silence, making the man glad she had the sense not to pry on who the woman in question was. Catwoman knew a thing or two about broken hearts and trying to be good for someone else after all. Difference was, sometimes Bruce honestly couldn't care what side she was on. His crush definitely did.

"So..." the lady started, testing the waters. "What are you going to do with those tickets?"

"Sell them on eBay?" Then again they were for tomorrow night. Could he sell them in under 24 hours? Who knew. They weren't exactly easy to get either. "Donate them to charity?"

"Seems like a waste." She swirled her can around a bit in thought. "What are they to?"

An idea struck him as he recalled what show it was to, making him smirk knowingly. That sneaky kitty... "Cats. They're doing a show at Gotham Arts Theater at eight. You wanna buy them?"

"Don't think I can afford to right now," Selina explained, keeping her apparent interest to a minimum. "But if you want to go-"

"Selina," he reproved her, a grin growing on his face, "you're Bruce's girl. That'd be like... taking out my mom."

An incredulous look crossed her face as she looked him over. "You see me as your mom?"

"Well... no... but..."

"Then what's the problem?" Her you're-being-ridiculous look made him take a step back. "It's just a show. If you want to make it more than that, you'll have to work for it."

"But what about-"

"Bruce is being an ass lately." She looked back over the scenery, raising her beer to her lips again. "He deserves to be a bit jealous. And it's not like he doesn't date other people. We both do.

"So," a playful smirk sparkled on her face as she looked back to him, "want to ruffle a certain bat's feathers and have a good time doing it?"

The thought of getting under Bruce's skin, using up his tickets, and having some fun in general, took root in his mind until they pulled his face into a broad grin. Best part: all the old bat could do about it is grumble. He was the one keeping the lovely lady away. Taking a step back, he bowed politely to the woman. "Ms. Kyle, would you do me the honor of accompanying me to the Cats production tomorrow night? I hear the cast is exquisite."

Selina's smirk turned into a grin as she mock curtsied back. "Why of course Mr. Todd. Nothing would make me happier."

"How'd you find out about the tickets anyway?" That was the kicker. She wouldn't have approached him to get under Bruce's skin for any old reason. She wanted to see the show.

"Your source is my source," was her answer. "You should have heard Tim laugh when he told me you got them first. Didn't know you liked musicals."

"You should hear me sing."

Her grin was infectious. "I just might."

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A/N: Head cannon! Jason likes musicals. In DNB, I'm gonna have him be in them. Selina likes Cats. Cats is cool. hope you've liked!


	4. A Cat and An Archer Walk into a Bar

Heh heh heh... Let's just say, Roy's taken for a spin.

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**A Cat and an Archer Walk into a Bar**

Dick had done a double take after spotting someone leave his friend's building. No way...

"You gonna be on my balcony all day pixie boots?" He jerked his head around to see the owner of the apartment, one Roy Harper, running around in just a towel and a mite bit wet. He had this smug grin on his face that spoke more than he wanted it to as he opened up the sliding door to let his friend in.

"Ah... no..." Sliding off the railing, the acrobat landed softly and stepped into the apartment. Carefully he unbuckled Lian's harness from his back so he could hand her back to her father. "Just... Did I see who I thought I saw? Leaving your building I mean. Was that..."

"Come here princess," Roy murmured as he retrieved his favorite bundle of joy. He asked Nightwing to watch her the previous night so he could do some undercover work at a bar. Dick honestly didn't mind it, and Bruce had no problems giving him the night off to watch a child. Alfred enjoyed it too. "Did you have fun with Uncle Dick?"

"Uh huh!" Lian hugged her father cheerfully before announcing all that had happened. "We had pupcorn and ice cream and Nemo and Choco Cockos and played Candyland and Mousetrap and went swimming and... He makes funny voices."

"I bet he does." He gave the girl another tight squeeze before setting her back on the ground. "How about you say hi to all your dolls? They missed you last night."

"Okay!" Quickly the girl ran out of the room to say high to literally every doll and toy she owned. One problem with being the granddaughter of a millionaire: she had a lot of them. Thankfully it gave the adults time to talk about adult things without her nearby.

"Thanks for the save man." Roy grinned at Dick as he motioned him to follow to the bedroom. He had to get changed before the girl came back out.

"Not a problem," Dick insisted, still a bit worried about what he saw just before entering the building. "So... What happened last night?"

The man shrugged. "Some things are blurry honestly, but I know I got into the group. I may need you to babysit again in the near future. This might take a while."

"I can arrange for a better sitter," his friend insisted, waiting in the doorway for an explanation. From his vantage point, he could see the bed was a mess. There was some hasty laundry clean up too, and some trash laying about that was fresh. "But what happened after? Did you-"

"Had a few drinks with one smokin' hot babe." Roy was grinning from ear to ear at his latest conquest as he poked through his drawers for something to wear. "We nearly drunk each other under the table, but managed to get back here. Man she was hot."

"Right..." Looking around the room once more, the detective noticed certain things were missing: a Rolex, a Persian porcelain cat figurine, and a few expensive pieces Ollie gave him for public gatherings. "You didn't happen to get a name or number did you?"

"Dude," the ginger drolled, taking out some shorts and jeans, "it was a one night stand. We were drunk. Names and numbers don't happen half the time."

"Right... So..." Dick gave him the disappointed eye, pitying him slightly. "You have no idea who that hot babe was or what you two were doing half the time?"

"I wasn't giving out state secrets if you're worried." His cocky grin was starting to get annoying. "She just left. You saw her."

"Yeah... I did..." This was going to be interesting. "Um... that was Selina Kyle. You know, Catwoman?"

All at once the color and confidence drained from Roy's face. Now he was getting it. "Bat's... girlfriend?"

"Occasionally."

"I just scored with Catwoman?"

"More like was used." With that thought hanging over his friend's head, Dick turned away to grin to himself. Roy was in shock, whether because his doom was coming or for how high up the board he scored by nailing her, he couldn't tell. Either way, this was some good blackmail material. "I'll go make some coffee."

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A/N: XD take it anyway you want. I had to do one on Roy and this is what happened. Lian LIVES! hope you've liked! ANd please comment. Selina's feeling lonely...


	5. Chasing Death

**Chasing Death**

This wasn't happening. He did not just get his tail handed to him by a hot chick in black leather and a pointy eared cowl. If it was, he'd never hear the end of it. Quick as he could, Green Arrow snapped off the ropes keeping him where he was, and bolted after the babe.

"When I get my hands on you-"

"Oh you only wish you could get your hands on me," Catwoman bantered back, still several feel ahead of him. A priceless jade cat was in one hand and a whip in the other. Everything else in between the two though was so distracting he wasn't thinking straight.

He should be focused on stopping the kitty and getting the treasure back. He should be shooting a net arrow at her. Even a flash bomb arrow would work! But he wasn't. All he could focus on was running after her oh so sexy body. He had to catch her by hand.

Batman was gonna kill him.

Canary was gonna kill him.

A wolfish grin crossed his face. Well, he was dead before. It wasn't that bad.

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A/N: yes, it's short but so him. hope you've liked.


	6. Ninjas, Handcuffs, and Fine Dining

Another of the wall pairing. hope you like!

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**Ninjas, Handcuffs, and Fine Dining**

Catwoman glared around her at all the other black clad people around the room, tugging at her handcuffs experimentally. "You know, if you wanted a date, you could have just asked."

Their lord and master raised a glass of fine red wine to her, granting her a small satisfied smile. "I was not sure you would agree to see me, Ms. Kyle. From watching your many run-ins with the Detective, I was under the assumption you preferred a... more dramatic approach."

"And the jewelry?" She jiggled the cuffs at eye level to prove a point.

"To assess your skills. Personally."

"Right... Who are you again?" That was the real kicker to the thief. She was just minding her own business, taking a stroll towards a museum exhibit to acquire a few friends, only to get ambushed by a zillion ninjas, handcuffed, and placed at a dinner table in front of some weird green robed gentleman with greying hair. Not bad looking over all, but not really her type either.

"Ra's al Ghul. No doubt you've heard of me from your paramour."

Selina took complete control of her face, keeping it perfectly still, in order to hide how she really felt. '_Oh crap oh crap oh crap! I am going to die._' She had heard of him from Bruce and his kids, and every one of them said to get the hell away from him, do not cross. They did not say anything that animatedly without reason and as curious as she was, she was not stupid. "He may have mentioned you."

"I see." Ra's took another sip, eyeing the woman, making her more than a little uncomfortable. She couldn't decide if she should see where this went and play it safe, fight for her life, or send a signal to the Bats and pray to be rescued quickly. "I'm beginning to see what the Detective sees in you Ms. Kyle. You handle yourself well."

"I can handle a lot more than myself." Playing it by ear worked in the past. If this guy was anything like Lex Luthor or Bruce, then it was probably the best way to go. She put her hands in her lap and started working the cuffs. The low frequency distress signal in her glove was easy to activate as she went, praying silently it would not be blocked or detected. Never hurt to have a backup plan. "If you want, I can demonstrate."

She gave him one of her most seductive smiles, hoping to distract him and maybe gain favor with him. It'd buy her time at the least. The demon's head seemed amused by what she said. "I've seen quite a few recordings of your ventures as Catwoman Ms. Kyle. What I wish to see is exactly why the Detective prefers your company and protecting Gotham to ruling an empire and being with my daughter."

Selina shrugged helplessly. "I really couldn't help you there. Most of the time, I can't even get Bruce to buy me dinner first."

"Hm. How interesting." He waved a hand to the dishes before them, offering her a meal that any day she'd be glad to eat. That day though, she wasn't quite sure that was a good idea. "Please, have a bite. It will pass the time until the Detective arrives."

She gave him a queer look, suspecting something else was going on. "So... you're using me as bat bait?"

"In part." A knowing smirk grew on his face. "I really do wish to know what he sees in you, but this can serve as a test for him as well. Do not be alarmed, I have no intention of harming you this night. Just a dinner and friendly conversation. Would you like a drink Ms. Kyle?"

The lady smiled pleasantly, placing the handcuffs on the table before offering her glass to be filled. "Please."

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A/N: Ra's and Selina would be very interesting, but you'd think he'd want her dead with her being in the way between Talia and Bruce. really dunno how they'd mesh together, so this is what came out when challenged. Hope you've enjoyed! And please comment. Selina's very lonely right now.


	7. Interview

Another batboy has to face the kitty. Let's see how Dick does!=D

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**Invitation**

Dick looked over the invite over and over again, trying to figure out what he was going to do. He only had a few options if he was going to go at all. Babs was too young to fit the bill and most of the other women in his life were around her age or younger. That would not do, unless he was cute about everything and asked Roy if he could borrow Lian. But then he'd have to answer a lot of awkward questions. As fun as that would be, it was probably better if he didn't.

Which was what led him there. Of the handful of possible ladies to take to this dance, this one was top of the pile. Diana was next, then Zatanna, but he was really hoping one stop would be enough. And he'd been outside this woman's door for a good five minutes, trying to come up with a way to ask her. Why was it so hard to just knock her door and ask? Maybe because he'd be admitting something he didn't want to. Maybe it was saying something he knew was wrong. Or maybe he didn't want to be indebted to her for any reason whatsoever.

Uhg... why was this so hard?! Just one measly invitation and she may not even accept! All he had to do was knock and-

"Are you my apartment's bodyguard now or what?"

With a jolt, Dick turned to see Selina Kyle walking towards her door. The elevator door was closing behind her and groceries were in her hands. Well, there was one advantage to not knocking until then. "Um... actually..."

"Make yourself useful tight-pants," she ordered without any hesitation, passing over her bags of food. She also whipped the card he was holding out of his hands. "I'll take that. Bruce inviting me to something, or is this just a pretense to a case?"

"Ah... Actually..." The young man turned bright red as he fumbled to say why he was there. She didn't fumble with her keys. "Um...That's... actually..."

"Bludhaven Policeman's Ball?" The door opened and he was given access to her place, on the condition he followed her. She hesitated, still looking at the card. "You're inviting me?"

"Kinda?" Oh boy was this going to go south. And she was reading the rest of it, making this even more awkward. Why was he holding her groceries again? "There's... ah..."

Her eyes grew wide as she read the last of it. "Mother's appreciation ceremony?!"

"It's to praise the women in our lives," he tried to explain, moving to a table to set the bags down. "Everyone's required to bring the most influential woman in their lives. Moms, aunts, and teachers are all accepted, but moms are top of the pile and-"

"You're asking me to be your mom for the night?" The incredulous look on Selina's face made him wince for a moment. "Do I look like your mom?"

That stung a little, taking away his nerves. Arms free, he glared a little as he defended himself. "No. You don't. But as she's six feet under, I can't exactly bring her now can I?"

That made her take a step back, looking down and away in shame. "Sorry. It's just... Why ask me?"

"Because..." Taking a deep breath, Dick explained his reasoning. "Look, you have to admit, Bruce has been my dad for over half my life. He's had a lot of girlfriends, but he seems to stick to two in the end: you and Talia. We're not speaking to Talia after that last stunt she pulled, and you've seemed to clean up your act a bit. When you wanted to get to Bruce, you never used me or any of the others as hostages and we've saved each other's tails enough times to trust each other. And you do give some pretty good advice... sometimes.

"Guess it comes down to... between you and Talia, I'd pick you." He grimaced slightly at a memory. "That princess never got my sense of humor and was such a prissy brat whenever B wasn't looking. You always saw me as a person. Third wheel kid of course but-"

"Quit burying yourself bird boy." Her curt order cut him off before he made it any more awkward. Tapping the invite to her chin, Selina seemed to think it over. "So... can't ask O to go with you because of age huh? And as I almost fit into the right legal timeframe available, you came here..."

"Pretty much."

"What about those Justice League babes?" Her raised eyebrow brought out the question even more. It was a fair one.

"Most are too recognizable out of costume." Dick hung his head for a moment. "They're the last resort I've got. Trying to avoid asking them really."

"Hm." She looked up and down him once more, debating things. She looked over the card again, still thinking. "I don't know if I should be flattered or not."

"Flattery or no," he folded his arms to finish the debate, "do you want a night of free food, some dancing, boring speeches, and a chance to flaunt yourself in front of a hundred policemen and women without them having a clue that you like to evade them while stealing the rich blind? I can introduce you as a family friend and say you've been there most my life. Not a lie. You in?"

Selina twisted her lips in thought for a long moment. "Did you talk to Bruce about this?"

The young man stiffened. Something he neglected. "Ah... no... Should I-"

"Then I'm in."

"Uh... what?" That was a little fast. And judging by her growing smile, it wasn't for good reasons.

"He's been a butthead lately," she explained, her catish grin growing. "Left me in the cold last weekend at the theater, no explanation."

"I... think the League called him away to help take down one of Luthor's schemes." He tried to recall what had happened that'd force him to do that. "They needed him to hack an isolated system or something. He... didn't mention leaving you at the theater on the report."

"Oh that makes it all better." Sarcasm dripped from her lips. "I guess taking that-"

"AH! Don't want to hear it!" Hands flew to his ears, ready to be plugged. "Don't make me an accessory. The less I know, the better.

"Long story short, he ditched you, you want to get even. And you want to use me to do so." He shrugged. "I need a date, and you are willing. You can tell Bruce on the condition that you don't tell Babs." He stopped a moment and rethought that. "Or... rather you can tell her, but if you do, tell her everything. Deal?"

"Bruce being an idiot with you too eh?"

"A little bit."

That made her chuckle. "Alright. Deal. Friday at three?"

"The party's at seven."

"A girl has to get into the mood you know." Her Cheshire grin put his to shame. "Not to mention I'll need that platinum card of yours to get ready."

Dick rolled his eyes. "Right."

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A/N: Daww... silly Dicky's in a sticky situation. This is kinda how I see their relationship is. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. Who knows. Either way, that was fun!

FYI, there seems to be this long winded, unimaginative, semi-anonymous guy who decided to write this elaborate, completely pointless to the subject, essay (was not a review, so I just deleted it), post it as a series of reviews here, and then posted a short insult to me, my parents, and I'm not sure what else, on another story. Over all I just deleted the whole thing because whoever that was, was clearly a loudmouthed prick who needed to learn a simple thing called' a time and place', and didn't have the courage to use their account so I could fight back against them. If you've run up against this guy (no idea on gender, totally guessing), just delete them. If you have a problem with a story, you can either point out the problem politely or walk away. I've done that a lot and helpful criticism is much appreciated. I have a thick skin over all thanks to a large family of artists, but I also have a sharp tongue and a protective nature. Instead of insulting writers, the higher road is to ignore them. Same with poor reviews but i digress. Roughly, the old adage stands: if you don't have something nice or helpful to say, keep your mouth shut.

Rant's over. Have fun!


	8. Curiosity

Another really odd pairing. Enjoy!

* * *

**Curiosity**

Jason Blood took a deep breath before sighing and shaking his head wearily. "I believe the adage is, 'curiosity killed the cat'. You're lucky you aren't dead Catwoman. Many of the artifacts here are quite dangerous."

He kept shaking his head as he looked around the room. "The demon sword Morgif would have sucked away your soul. Rasputin's mirror would have turned you into a statue. Ra's Ankh would take away your life over the course of a few says, rather painfully I might add. Then there's the jewels of Arahead - causing strangulation, Amphitrite's pearls - which would boil you from the inside, Thalassa's spear - giving you a life with harsh back pains, and Pallas' spell book... which you do not want to know what would have happened had you touched that. Or the majority of what is here for that matter."

The oldest knight alive shook his head once more before looking down again at his new friend. "You should count yourself lucky Freya's collar only turns people into large cats to guide her chariots."

The large black feline at his feet meowed her annoyance. It had been a struggle getting out of her oversized clothes. She did not want to be a cat! She loved them, sure, but unlike Ivy who liked the idea of being a plant, Selina was very fond of being human! She missed thumbs and hated attracting ticks. And if this bozo didn't fix her right then and there, she'd claw away those pretty pants of his and shred his magic wand.

Jason rubbed his head, feeling a migraine coming. "It'll take some time to correct this Miss. A week at most. Freya is also a goddess of witchcraft, but favors women above men. I'm certain this will be correctable.

"In the meantime..." He gave her a condoling smile and turned towards the kitchen. "Think of my home as your own. Just don't touch the artifacts. If you try, I will send you to Batman and he can be your consort until I can find a remedy that will work for you."

Selina's yowl was the best response for this statement. There was no way Bruce was seeing her as a cat when he specifically warned her not to go to Blood's and try to steal anything. She'd never hear the end of it! She just wanted to poke around and see if this guy was as powerful as B claimed he was.

Not to mention he was in really good condition for an old guy. Were the rumors true about this little devil? Who knew. Maybe a week with him would answer all her questions.

"I thought as much." Seemingly satisfied, Blood led her the rest of the way around the house. "Now I must ask, what would you prefer? Birds or fishes? I quite think kibble is out of the question."

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A/N: Gone GONE be the form of man! Rise the demon Etrigan! XD Selina's now a kitty. Aint she sweet? Making up cursed objects was kinda fun.

And to the oh so sweet person who has yet to make it easy to talk about things privately, two years ago? You do realise I was starting my fanfic career around then right? You make mistakes, you learn, you grow, you move on. Sorry if you were offended, but it doesn't justify being offensive. If it's about a story, learn to live with the fact that writers torture characters and readers, and we have our own ideas how things should go. it's in our blood. and when we think a story's done, it's done. That's about all I can think about with what I've got from you. Tata!


	9. Mistaken Identities

Now the last coupling I've written for. Later will be repeats. This one is pure crack, in so many ways.

* * *

**Mistaken Identities**

It had been a long day, and he felt like it was only going to get longer. After a bout of kryptonite poisoning in Gotham (which Bruce was not responsible for), Clark didn't have it in him to fly back to Metropolis to rest. Alfred had taken care of the offending green shard earlier, then helped him get to the guest room he frequently used when Clark Kent had no reasonable reason for being in the city. He was so out of it that the alien didn't object in the slightest.

Well, mostly didn't.

"Won't Bruce be mad?" he asked in a droll voice, barely able to stay awake. "He hates it when I'm in town without-"

"Master Bruce is away on business," the butler reminded him for the tenth time. "He will not be back until tomorrow at the earliest. Masters Richard and Timothy are out patrolling tonight and are aware of your predicament. They insist you remain until you are well, as do I.

"Now rest," he chided, "or I will be forced to call your mother."

That shut up the farm boy in an instant. Cringing at the idea, the man nodded, swaying on his feet before climbing into the large bed and trying to get some rest. Harder this time than normal due to the chemist who doused him with everything while a kryptonite shard was in him. Ivy, Scarecrow, Joker, even some obscure villain's concoction he didn't know, had a hand in what his body was fighting. Due to his physiology though, the effects total made him feel like everyone else on LSD. He was in for a nasty headache later.

Maybe an hour later, he could hear someone come into his room. A light footed female judging from what he heard. Opening one eye, he could swear he saw Lois in the darkness. His dear, sweet and salty Lois. She was eyeing him just within the doorway. Why was she over there? Smiling at her, he raised a hand. "Hey honey. Something the matter?"

His wife seemed to eye him with some misgivings before grinning and shrugging. "Maybe."

"Come here." Slowly the woman complied, swaying her hips in perfect rhythm. Oh how he loved this woman. She knew exactly what to do to turn him into jelly. Man of steel, melted by a mortal woman. Who knew? She sat next to his side and he took her hand in his. "What's on your mind?"

Lois eyed him for a moment, licking her lips, before answering. "I was just wondering when we were going to have babies darling. The world is seriously lacking in Superkids. I'm a bit jealous of Batman. He's not even married."

"Don't you think he's jealous of us because of that?" Clark grinned sloppily as he kissed her hand. "One thing he can never have is you."

"Not at this rate," she murmured coyly.

"Not ever." He brought up his other hand to brush her face. She always liked that.

"As for Superkids..." He grinned wolfishly. "It's not for lack of trying. If you want another go at it," he pulled her into the bed next to him and tumbling on top. She yelped in surprise but it didn't deter him from putting his head against hers. "I'm happy to oblige."

"OH MY GOSH!" A familiar voice and the sudden click and flash of a camera, broke the mood and jerked his eyes back to the door. In the doorway stood too figures he was pretty sure he knew. "CLARK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Clark groaned, turning to the side of his wife to look at the men seriously. "Perry, Jimmy, what are you doing in our apartment?"

"Your apartment?!" Perry chided in dismay. Jimmy seemed to be shaking with laughter beside him. In fact, Lois seemed to be doing the same, barely containing herself.

"Uh, yeah. That's what this is. Our apartment. What did you think it was?"

"Oh, this is good." Jimmy was just not stopping for a moment. "Wait 'til Kon hears this one."

"Jimmy..."

"You got a letter wrong." Jimmy turned to Perry, still grinning like a maniac while the other gaped at them in dismay. "I'll get Alfred. You can try talking them out of this one."

"Alfred?" Why would Alfred be there? Why were they in their apartment? In their bedroom no less.

"No need." The proper British gentleman slipped into the room without any adieu, glaring in his general direction. Actually, he was glaring at Lois. "Ms. Kyle, if you would kindly stop messing with Mr. Kent's addled mind, it would be greatly appreciated."

"Oh, but we were just getting to the good part!" Lois gave the old man a Cheshire grin, making the kryptonian wonder what was going on.

"You mean the part where I send this picture to both Lois and Bruce and they plot Superman's very permanent death? I'm pretty sure Lois has no qualms with killing under these circumstances." Jimmy rattled the camera he was holding while Perry shook his head.

"Selina, you know he's drugged. He doesn't even recognize us, let alone you. Do you really want that?"

"What is going on here?!" Clark objected loudly, trying to get some answers.

"Possibly," the woman noted, ignoring him as she placed her hands behind her head. She was clearly enjoying this.

"Selina..."

"It appears he doesn't remember." Alfred shook his head and came to the bed, glaring at the lady who started the whole debate. "Mr. Kent, please recall why you are in Wayne Manor and not in Metropolis. You were fighting a particularly nasty villain with kryptonite and several rogues' toxins earlier last night. You managed to defeat him, but were unable to walk straight, let alone fly. We convinced you to stay the night. Your wife and colleagues are roughly a hundred miles away, waiting to hear of a full recovery on your behalf. I believe Mrs. Kent is working on a political piece at the moment and cannot come to Gotham any time soon.

"This is not your wife."

Hearing all of this stirred some memories in his confuddled brain. It only doubled when 'Lois' scoffed and started pushing herself off the bed. "Oh take all the fun out of life."

"Taking advantage of Superman to make Bruce jealous and a huge issue with _his wife_ is _fun_?!" 'Perry' griped at her as she started going to the doorway. Clark was still really confused on the bed. That wasn't Lois? Or Perry? Or Jimmy?

"It wasn't going to go that far pixie boots." She looked over to 'Jimmy' still laughing just in the hallway. "I don't like the idea of being the 'other woman'. I want copies of that kiddo."

"Fine fine, but you can't show them to your friends," 'Jimmy' promised.

"You should delete them, right now!"

"Nuh uh!" And with that, the kid was off, running as fast as he could from his pursuer. 'Perry' chased after him while 'Lois' cheered them on, leaving Alfred with Clark who was still confused.

"That... wasn't Lois?"

The butler shook his head. "I'm afraid not Mr. Kent."

Clark pouted sadly, feeling like someone had kicked his puppy. "I want Lois..."

* * *

A/N: XD Yeah, I'm all for Selina teasing Clark to death. A superman on LSD is really funny. THere was this worlds finest where he was hit with some weird kryptonite and he was totally tripping. Hysterical really. I also had a psychology teacher who told me of a time she and a friend messed with a person on acid. They really could see the purple cow when they told him it was there. Point of the fact, don't do drugs. you're too easy to mess with. XD


	10. Another Setup

Bruce gets another go. Can he survive? X3

* * *

**Another Setup**

She had to say the invitation was quite a surprise. When Selina got the card inviting her to the art gala, she was ready to reject it out of principle. Bruce stood her up the last time they scheduled something, and the time before he cut out early due to an 'emergency'. Inviting her to a fancy feast to be stood up again was not something she was planning on doing.

Imagine her shock when the name at the bottom wasn't Bruce, but Alfred Pennyworth. Since when did that butler go to galas?

Curious beyond measure, Selina had to accept. At the very least, she knew the older man wouldn't ditch her for an 'emergency', nor would he forget about her and the event; he was far too much of a gentleman for that. If only he were thirty years younger...

Still, she accepted and dressed herself to the nines. It wasn't every day she could see the wares of the high class. She needed to look like she belonged there, no matter who her 'date' was, in order to scope the place and start planning future heists. She was going to enjoy the night, one way or another.

Looking outside once, the lady was glad Alfred had agreed to send her a text (imagining the man texting was quite funny) when he was nearly to her new apartment to pick her up. The clouds were threatening to storm on her parade, probably even forcing the great Batman inside for the night if it opened up. She gave it fifteen minutes until the downpour started. The cats were pretty antsy. When the text arrived, she hurried to lint roll her dress and exit her apartment before more hair landed on the silky black Migmon gown. Throwing the roll aside, she threw her thin scarf around her shoulders, grabbed her clutch, and gladly made her way to the building's grand foyer. Kitty was doing well lately.

She only had to wait a few minutes before a familiar Rolls Royce appeared before the building. Smiling, the dignified catburglar strode to the doorkeeper and asked for his help outside. No need to keep her date waiting out front, not with a bellhop on hand. Not waiting for any invitation, Selina motioned for the hired help to open the back passenger door to her awaiting vehicle and stepped inside.

"Thank you Sam. Alfred! You really know how to spoil a g-"

Her cheerful countenance dropped the second the door shut behind her and she saw she wasn't alone in the back seat. On the other side sat Bruce Wayne, also dressed to the nines in Armani and just as surprised as she was to be back there together. He had a tablet in his hands, sure sign he wasn't paying even the slightest attention to where his butler was taking him. The man never did see the world around him when work was before his eyes. That he saw Selina there at all was a miracle of itself. Whether she wanted to see him was another story.

"On second thought..." Quickly she made a grab for the door to make her escape, only for it to not budge and the car to keep moving. "Alfred!"

"My apologies Miss Kyle," the proper British gentleman started, not really sounding sorry at all, "but I'm afraid I will not be able to attend the gala with you. Master Bruce though is quite available this evening and as I cannot attend as his 'plus one', please do us the favor of taking that spot."

She turned her angered eyes from the old man to her old date, ready to lash out. "You sneaky-"

"I had no part of this!" Bruce insisted, throwing his hands into the air defensively. For a moment she thought he was Dick with that gesture, but looking at his eyes, she knew he was both sleep deprived and drugged. The great playboy was not firing on all thrusters but apparently had to attend this gala for one reason or another, else he'd be in bed resting from whatever case he just finished or was working on. "I swear Selina, I had no intention of dragging you anywhere you didn't want to go."

"Oh?" She folded her arms testily, eyeing him slowly. She almost believed him. Almost. "And why is that?"

He hesitated a moment before answering. "Because you're mad at me. And have every right to be."

"Is that all?" Oh she was ready to rip into him sure, but the butler needed a good tongue lashing too. He was going to get it real soon, or was until that passenger/driver divider cropped up. That sneaky, sneaky man. If he were thirty years younger, he'd really be some fun.

Again Bruce hesitated before answering, truthfully. She had to know what pain medication he was on if it was making him this truthful with her. "I was trying to figure out a way to make it up to you. Missing that date last month... I didn't think you'd want to go to a stuffy art gala. Not without some kind of gift or dinner to make up for last time."

Her eye twitched as she used all herself control to not flex her jaw. He was right, to a point. An official art gala as a penance date was not something she'd accept. Now a mini vacation to the Caribbean or Bahamas, even Alaska, plus pampering from expert staff, that was what she'd take as an apology. That or Batman letting her get away with a good heist. Come to think of it, she hadn't seen much of Batman lately. Mr. Justice letting her steal free of charges because he was feeling bad? Or was it a very difficult couple of weeks? What had he been working on since he ditched her that last time?

Her temper started to cool as she tried to figure out what was going on behind the scenes. Alfred was forcing him to go out instead of rest. Bruce clearly needed rest. No birds hanging around so either they were covering for daddy or were confined to bed until they were better too. She had no explanations since the date he cut short oh so long ago, from anyone. Alfred's invite was by special messenger and she hadn't contacted any of the batkids out of principle. This was between them.

But what had happened since then?

She shrugged, turning away nonchalantly like one of her cats. As curious as she was, she wasn't desperate. "Naturally. I expect to be treated like a queen tonight. No wandering eyes-"

"Of course." A hint of relief and humor came from the man's voice.

"-and you defend me from those prudes who criticize your choice of women. I am not one of those brainless floozies you dated for show."

"I thought you hated it when I fought your battles." Bruce cocked his head to the side, remembering a time when she told him off. Of course she remembered it well too, one of their early dates when he introduced her to certain members of society.

Selina gave him a coy look. "Not tonight. Tonight, I want a dark knight to make it all special for his lovely queen."

"Ah." Her date smirked, shaking his head. He always caught on quick. "As you wish your majesty."

"And after we're done there," she gave him a stern chiding look, "I want a full explanation. Why you cut one date short, why you didn't show last time, and why you're so doped up I could steal your credit cards without you knowing. I want to know what's going on."

"Well that's-" He started to explain, probably something he wanted to do from the beginning, but she stopped him.

"After tonight. What I want to know right now is," she pointed emphatically at the door next to her, very irked, "why can't we get out of here? I thought you'd at least have an escape route for your own car."

To this the man cringed. "Alfred likes to use the child locks on us, to make certain we follow social protocol."

Selina eyed him with misgivings. "And you don't have a way around this?"

"I did..." The way Bruce looked away guiltily perked her curiosity tenfold. "Once..."

"Huh..." A sly smile started to grow on her face. Well, she had all evening to get her explanations, maybe even some fresh blackmail for later. She was definitely going to enjoy tonight.

* * *

A/N: Alfred is a sneaky old man. And he really wants Bruce to settle down already. So he set this up. I think I'll cook up a better set up for the third round. X3


	11. Shot in the Dark

Another try with Roy.

* * *

**Shot in the Dark**

Red Arrow finally found the target, finally managed to catch it, and finally managed to get in close enough to talk. How long had he been chasing down this thief? Everything would be so much easier if Dick just told him where the lady's apartment was.

"To what do I owe the honor?" Catwoman didn't look dignified under the net arrow, but he knew she was getting out of it already. Tricky little beasty...

His eyes narrowed on the woman, trying to stay angry instead of turning into jelly at the sight of her. The last time they met, they had a lot of fun. Then he learned the consequences. It was time to rectify that. Without hesitation, he shoved out a hand, requesting what he wanted. Actually, it was a demand. "That Indian necklace you took from my apartment. Hand it over."

The lady raised an eyebrow, curious. "A necklace? I stole about a hundred grand worth from your place, and all you want is some turquoise necklace?"

"Sentimental value," RA insisted, keeping his will strong. Damn she was hot! He was surprised Ollie didn't try to get her by now. "And I bet you sold the rest."

"Maybe..." She watched the man for a moment before purring. "But wasn't it worth it? I mean, your big boss never got close. You on the other hand-"

"All I want's the necklace. The rest can go to hell." He took out a normal arrow and fingered his bow, silently threatening her. Man was he in trouble if bats found out. "Now where is it?"

"Get me out of this net and I'll tell you Red." Her purring voice almost nailed him, but the guy kept strong. Had to or Dick would tease him forever.

"Nice try. Not until you tell me where it is."

Catwoman rolled her eyes and slipped out of the net herself. "Oh fine! Killjoy..." She shook her head then thought about it for a moment. "I think Cleo's wearing it, but I have to check. Care to walk me home?"

"Like I have a choice?" Abandoning the net, the two of them darted across rooftops towards where her complex was. Curiosity took alight in the woman again as she made idle conversation.

"What's so important about that trinket anyway? Not worth that much around here."

"It was my mother's." Red Arrow kept his eyes front and center. "Don't have a lot from her."

"Oh." Hearing this, the kitty's eyes grew wide, her playfulness leaving within seconds. Shaking her head slightly, she sighed. "Next time just say so."

* * *

A/N: kinda playing off of the previous Roy chapter but mostly just having fun. It'll be a bit until the next chapter though. Hope you're having fun! not everyone gets repeat appearances.


	12. Dance Miss Kitty

YAY! Another one! Working on a second one for the project too but this is what I have done. Dick goes on to another round!

* * *

**Dance Miss Kitty**

"What is that, the fifth cup you've had?"

"Fourth." Dick sipped the watered down beer while peering over his cup, watching one woman carefully. Selina, his plus one for the Bludhaven policeman's ball, had been flirting with nearly every male in the room, the entire night. It wouldn't be that bad if half the men's wives weren't getting ready to kill her every few minutes. Oh how he wished he came with Zatanna now. He needed the drink to be stronger.

His partner Amy eyed him with some misgivings. Dick rarely drank socially with the other officers so no one knew what to expect. "Maybe you should slow down. Take your mom-"

"She's not my mom," he snapped. "She's Bruce's girlfriend with the most positive history between them. That's all."

"If you insist." His superior smirked knowingly as she also watched the woman. She was making their boss laugh like nothing else. Everyone but the wives were having a great time with her. Amy was glad her husband was on a tight leash. "But she might just calm down if you dance with her."

He gave a bitter laugh and took another sip. "She'll stop only when she wants to. Miss Kitty has a mind all her own and there's no taking that beasty."

"Then use your feet." Taking his cup, she shoved him towards the woman in question. An impish grin crossed the lieutenant's face, complete opposite of her partner's surprised outrage. "Maybe it'll sober you up enough to drive home. One of you needs your wits about you."

"Remind me not to stand next to you when waiting for a bus." Dick ignored the woman's chuckle and strode towards his... semi-date, actually wanting to end this. The speeches were over, the dinner was done for most of them, and the dancing was sparse due to many leaving for patrol or to take care of their families. And he had no doubt Selina's clutch was bulging with wallets, numbers, Rolexes, jewelry, and/or car keys. He knew he saw her lift the Chief's phone, copied his sim-card, and replaced it. Whether it was for a case or for her own personal use was another story.

Anyway he looked at it, he had to get her out of there before someone realized Catwoman was in their midst.

One of the older officers was laughing at his own story, trying to impress the thief. "And then, the guy's pants-"

"Please excuse the interruption," Dick started, nodding nicely to his superior, "but it's getting late and this princess needs to get home before the carriage turns into a pumpkin. Selina."

"Oh," she pouted, waving her wine glass before him, "but I was just about to tell them about that adorable Halloween costume you wore when you were ten. And eleven. And twelve. And-"

"Okay! I get it." His ears turned red as he took the wine glass away, handing it to a passing server, and slid his hands around her for a dance. He had to lead her away from the others, fast. "You're way too energetic to just go home."

"Who said anything about home?" Her Cheshire grin plus that glint in her eye sent chills down the vigilante's back. If he didn't put this thief to bed (not in that way, ew), she was going to rob someone blind! She ran a finger up his shirt, nearly purring against him. "There's still plenty more to do tonight, if you get my meaning."

A couple men around him chuckled, irritating Dick as he tried to suppress his embarrassment. He carefully took her wandering hand and put it right where it was supposed to be while dancing, feeling up her purse for a moment before putting his hand back on her waist. "I get that you're drunk. And you got at least two wallets and a watch tonight. Whose are they?"

"I'm pretty sure one of them's yours," she teased, her free hand going down his shoulder again. The young man carefully returned her hand to its proper location, grating his teeth for a minute. He should have gone stag. "Or was it that pretty little thing you were talking to a minute ago's? So hard to tell."

"Amy's my partner," he informed her tensely. A drunk cat was anything but discreet, and Selina was plastered.

"Oh I bet she is."

"_Work_ partner," he insisted frustration screaming from his every breath. Oh if only she wasn't drunk... "She's very happily married."

"Speaking of marriage..." Selina looked up at him, her eyes drooping. "When are you and your favorite redhead tying the knot? You two are so cute together, and I'd love to see Bruce as a young granddaddy. Imagine him changing diapers and making goo goo noises."

The idea somehow lodged into his mind, perfectly forming. The great dark and brooding, terrifying even, Batman... leaning over a changing table and desperately trying to make a baby laugh... Dick snorted, barely containing his laughter. "Uhm... I don't think that's happening any time soon."

"Are you sure about that, sweet cheeks?" Her catish smirk made the young man blush for entirely different reasons than earlier. The little devil... This really was a bad idea.

"Just tell me who you stole from and why you copied my boss' cell information." Focus on the facts at hand. Focus on what went wrong. Don't think about how embarrassing and awkward this lady made him feel in a room of officers. Don't think about Selina knowing nearly everything about his relationships with girls. And especially don't think about how much easily she could get under his skin with her teasing. How did she learn _all_ his buttons anyway? Who told her? Bruce? Babs? Jay? Tim was too loyal and would blackmail him through Babs if at all. Cass couldn't talk and they didn't hang out anyway, so she wouldn't know. And Alfred kept secrets, not shared them. The others though...

_'Damn it Grayson! Focus! There's a thief right here bozo!'_

Selina shrugged coyly, letting them dance closer and closer to the door to leave. "Doesn't matter. I'm not stealing state secrets you know."

"Selina..."

"You dance really well you know." She grinned proudly at him. "Must be because of your amazing teacher."

Slowly he closed his eyes and cringed. She'd never let that go would she? That one night when he was a teen and asked her for help to master dancing with a girl, would haunt him for the rest of his life. Well, at least he got to dance with Barbara without tripping over his feet. "Which teacher? I had about half a dozen of them."

"The sexy one you begged for when you were... fourteen? Fifteen?" The woman looked up in confusion, trying to remember. "Oh I forget. You still grew another foot before stopping anyway. I believe it was the waltz. This waltz as I recall. You're getting fairly good."

"Thank you."

"If a bit boring."

That was is. Without even thinking about it, Dick smiled politely, turned to a passing server, and took up a large glass of wine. A mild sedative dropped into the glass and he all but shoved it into the woman's hands. "You look a bit parched. Would you like a drink?"

"Love one." If Selina wasn't already wasted, she would have seen this coming, and he would have suffered for it. Man was he in for it next time they met. He watched her nearly drink the glass dry as he guided her towards the exit. Swaying, she managed to put the glass down somewhere without breaking it before they made it out of the building. "Dancing... you see... is about... rhythm. And we don't got... any rhi...rhythm... or anythin'... why's the world spinning?"

"Joker got his hands on it." Hey, may as well laugh it up. A plastered kitty was very strange, yet amusing, thing to see. "He's mental."

"AH! Makes sense... Ya know..." She swayed dangerously, hanging on to Dick while trying to walk towards his car. "Harley... She's... She's way too good... for a loser... like him... Really could do better... Hey... you like blonds?"

"I don't care if it's the end of the world and she was the answer to it. I am not dating Harley."

"Too bad." The lady tutted him, pursing her lips into a pout. They managed to get to the vehicle and now she leaned against it while he tried to open the door for her. She didn't make it any easier with her commentary. "You two would look so cute together."

"I bet someone sober thinks so." Finally the door opened and helped her inside it, just the way Alfred taught him. "Your carriage awaits."

"Don't knock it 'til you try it," Selina murmured as she barely managed to get her seatbelt on. Once she was secure, Dick closed the door and went to the driver's side. Mentally he told himself over and over again that she was only saying this because she was drunk. When she sobered up, she'd be singing a very different tune. "She's... such a sweet girl. Really."

"Uh huh." Climbing inside, he turned on the engine and backed out of his space. That sedative should be working any time now. "If you insist."

"Real... real sweet..." The lady's head drooped to the side just as they exited the parking lot, almost out cold. "Sweet... with... really... bad tastes..."

"On that we agree." He looked over to her for a moment after they entered traffic. Out cold. Silently he sighed in relief. The next time he needed a mother figure at a dance, he was going to ask Diana or Zee. Though Selina fit the bill, they wouldn't purposely embarrass him like she did. Or maybe not. Never can tell with women.

All Dick knew for certain was that he was dead meat next time they met. She was not getting that clutch back until it was empty, and drugging Miss Kitty was a no-no. Bruce was going to love watching him get it later. He knew it.

* * *

A/N: A little bit of a play on what I already did so if the tournament ends on Dick, it's all good. I like to think Selina would be a happy crazy drunk. Just me.

FYI, for all my DNB readers, Sacrifice, teh extended version, will be in the Teen Titans cartoon section on either the 30th or 1st. Just need to finish editing it and it's golden. Pretty sure you'll like the outcome too. It's about 55 chapters long, plus an introduction to the world. Just letting you all know. ;]


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